


Eclipsed Sun

by silverinerivers



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blow Jobs, Explicit Sexual Content, Feelings Realization, First Time, Jealousy, M/M, Masturbation, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mostly at the beginning, Obsessive Behavior, Pining, Reunions, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:49:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27465967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverinerivers/pseuds/silverinerivers
Summary: He would have done anything for Killua, and he knows Killua would have done the same – but now he knows they are the exception, that for most normal people, ‘anything’ has limits, limits Gon blow past day after day.That must explain the dizzying sense of want that the mere thought of Killua brings to him now, want for Killua to look at him that way again now that Gon knows he’s alive and well. He wonders how long that want has been simmering deep within him, a want that has matured and shaped the trajectory of his entire life.(Or: They don’t escape from Nobunaga that night. Instead, Killua gets caught and Gon joins the Troupe to buy his freedom. To cope, Gon never stops holding onto Killua. It becomes an obsessive desire that builds and builds until one day, he meets Killua again.)
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 13
Kudos: 129
Collections: Fic In A Box





	Eclipsed Sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smokence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokence/gifts).



> Title from hoax by Taylor Swift.

It’s been so long.

He’s not quite sure of the dates and times anymore. His time has been running in missions, in personas he’s gotten good at putting on and shedding. He’s forgotten many things in the interim, the exact layout of the forest on Whale Island, the sound of Kurapika’s voice, the taste of Mito’s homemade apple pie.

But the one thing Gon does not forget, is Killua.

* * *

Gon still remembers when they got caught by Nobunaga the second time, how the man’s expression had soured from bored-threatening to downright bone-chilling in a matter of seconds. He remembers how Nobunaga had grabbed onto a fistful of Killua’s shirt with one hand, the other around his neck, the choked sounds that filled the room, the terror in Killua’s eyes.

“Let him go!” Gon had yelled, angry, frightened, with nothing to bargain with.

“So that you two can try the same shit again? Not likely.” Nobunaga huffed back then, eliciting another hoarse gasp out of Killua with a squeeze around his throat.

“Don’t kill him! Killua’s – please! I’ll – I’ll!” Gon pleaded.

Because the two of them were a team, and it is just rotten luck that led to Nobunaga capturing Killua instead of Gon. They came into this together; they were supposed to get out of this together. Killua isn’t allowed to sacrifice himself for Gon, but now that they were in this position, it’s too little too late for Gon to be mad at himself for something as simple as hypocrisy.

“You’ll what?” Nobunaga asked, not even looking his way, as if Gon is insignificant, not worthwhile.

“I’ll join you. You wanted me to, right? Let Killua go, and I’ll – I’ll join you.”

And that got Nobunaga’s attention, got him to drop Killua to the ground in a coughing fit, wide teary sapphire eyes that still haunts Gon to this day.

“Gon, what the _fuck_ are you doing?”

It was the first time Gon had heard Killua swear, though the effect of it was muted given the state of his voice, understandably raspy.

“Saving you.” Gon stated plainly and gave Killua the last smile he would in close to a decade.

“You _said –_ ” Killua protested, but it was too late.

“Get out of here kid, before I change my mind.” Nobunaga’s voice was cold, left no room for negotiation.

Even so, Killua didn’t move, refused to. So, Nobunaga pummelled him with his fists until Killua passed out before Gon’s eyes, watched helplessly as he then threw Killua’s limp body out of the compound’s front doors.

Then they left.

And while Killua never saw Gon again after that, it did not mean that Gon saw the last of Killua.

* * *

He knows, he knows exactly what his best friend, _former best friend_ would think of him now. Gon can imagine how Killua had felt then when he woke up in the rain, battered and bleeding. He can visualize Killua pulling himself to his feet anyway, dragging himself through the abandoned building looking for any signs of Gon, how desperate he would be, how angry he’d be with himself.

But Gon couldn’t escape, would not even think to attempt it, not after he saw the Troupe’s strength up close. He knew he was no match for them, and he knew to find his way back to Killua, he’d have to bide his time. Gon did not like waiting, but some things can’t be rushed. It was simpler back then to run on instinct and guts alone, when the only consequence was broken bones and a short hospital stay. But now, he knows the Troupe wouldn’t hesitate to cut him loose, and he had more than Ging to lose this time.

Time is a funny thing, it turns out. When he was on Whale Island, Gon remembers time sluggishly crawling by, the ocean waves pushing and pulling, the sun taking its sweet time rising and falling. When he was with Killua though, battling through Heaven’s Arena floor by floor, when they had gazed up at the stars together, that was fun.

And when Gon had fun, time _flew._

Being part of the Troupe however, time was bizarre, became obsolete. It was not fun, nor was it boring. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, a job where time mattered only if it was sensitive to the task itself. Mornings blended into nights and back again and Gon didn’t bother to pay attention to it, just like the sunrises and sunsets on Whale Island.

Instead, he paid attention on doing a good job, to get to a point where he could be trusted. It took him a while, but he manages to eventually feel nothing in robbing, kidnapping, murdering. Because it was the only way to do it, to suppress it all, to _want to feel nothing._

“You’re a natural at this.” They tell him.

And Gon had wanted to yell back that he wasn’t, that he had to work for it. Except that isn’t how the Troupe operates. It’s not like Gon was going to go and confess how for each crime he committed, he sees Killua. He relives how easily Killua ripped out that prisoner’s heart during the Hunter exam, a spiraling murderous aura all around him. Gon remembers that back then, he was awestruck by Killua’s abilities, how he had hidden such a thing like that.

He was awestruck by everything Killua was, every new facet, each cool trick and piece of knowledge.

“It’s just something I can do. It doesn’t mean anything to me.” Killua said to him, shrugging with a blank expression. Gon didn’t like that look on him; Killua was much cuter when he was smiling.

“But you did it anyway.” Gon had pushed on.

“Yeah, but I didn’t have to kill him. I could’ve won in so many different ways, but this – this is just how I was brought up, so that’s what I did. I don’t enjoy it, but I don’t hate it. I should though, shouldn’t I?” Killua implored, and in his eyes then was a glimmer of hope, desperate for absolution.

Gon wanted to give it to him, but he never understood how Killua had felt until he went through it himself.

At fourteen, he tries to forgive himself most nights. It was hard at first because Gon at his core has conviction, has morals. He couldn’t quite reconcile what he was doing with why he was doing it.

But then it strikes him one night, the source of his decisions, why he’s doing it all for and if that was worth his wrongs. Because it isn’t until he had to choose between Killua and everything else that Gon realized the truth of his moral compass. He would do anything to accomplish his goals if the path to get there was within his power. Morality was just something people wore as a proud badge until it really came down to two evils, and for Gon, the pain of losing Killua would always outweigh all the rest.

So, whether that path was blessed by the heavens or paved with hellfire, Gon didn’t care.

That was the moment Gon admitted to himself that he loved Killua.

* * *

It isn’t until a year and a half later that Gon begins to realize what that love could ultimately mean.

He’s sixteen now and has finally obtained more freedom among the ranks of the Phantom Troupe. He’s proven himself worthy of it, of solo missions without supervision, and Gon knows exactly what he wants to do with his newfound autonomy.

He goes through the hunter networks and he finds out where Killua is. The next step is to take on the next available mission in the nearby vicinity. The Troupe offers him one and Gon takes it without even asking for the difficulty. It’s the least of his concerns.

It’s not technically stalking, he justifies to himself, but that kind of goes out the window when he peeks into Killua’s.

There, he sees a glimpse of Killua’s figure, and Gon’s heart beats so fast he thinks it might just give himself away, even in Zetsu.

Killua has grown up, but he still looks similar, unmistakable to Gon. He can’t tell how tall Killua is because he’s sitting down on the couch, leaning back with his feet propped up on the table. He’s wearing long pants now instead of shorts, a different pair of shoes specked with purple and white. He dons a plain white V-neck t-shirt, his collarbone peeking out, his arms toned to Gon’s practiced gaze despite not being flexed. Killua looks content, peaceful, the blues of his eyes like a gentle sea, not deathly afraid like the mainstay of Gon’s nightmares.

Killua looks happy, and that surprisingly jolts something ugly and twisted from deep within Gon, like a beast chewing his guts from the inside. Because it isn’t until then that Gon realizes that he didn’t _want_ Killua to be happy.

Not without him, not when Gon was right here and Killua didn’t know it, didn’t miss him, need him as badly as Gon did.

He’s worked so hard, painstakingly, gruesomely, to get to this point. He’s hurt and he’s hurt others and he’s done it all for Killua, so maybe it was messed up that he wanted Killua on some level to also hurt for him too.

With great control, Gon runs away before he convinces himself to smash through the window. He needs to be in a better state of mind, to calm himself, because he can’t let Killua see him like this, borderline manic.

Gon needs a plan. 

That night, Gon touches himself and for the first time, Killua’s face appears in his mind during the act. More curious than appalled, Gon leans into it, because this is supposed to be part of love too right? Love is physical intimacy beyond a peck on the cheek from Mito or those older women from Whale Island. It makes sense that his mind summons up Killua when he does this, now that he finally has a picture of Killua at sixteen, handsome and real.

So, Gon doesn’t feel any shame in letting his mind wander. It starts off with the image of Killua looking at the TV, his expression slack and soft. The picture gradually shifts though, Killua’s eyes widening in unbridled joy when he sees Gon again, the way he’d immediately pull it back into a _baka_ and try to brush it all off. Maybe Killua isn’t like that anymore, maybe he’s grown past that kind of reaction. However, Gon prays that he hasn’t, because he still finds it endearing, the red blooming across his cheeks, a sign of affection as children that has hopefully also bloomed into something more. He thumbs the head of his dick, smearing the pre-come around the slit with small, barely suppressed pants, pleasure shooting through his nerves. It reaches new heights when he thinks of Killua’s heated face breaking out into a hidden smile, the kind that Killua probably assumed that Gon didn’t notice back on Whale Island. Back then, it also made Gon swell inside, fuzzy and warm, loved in a way he never was before apart from family.

No, back then, Gon had chucked it up to friendship, one that he craved deeply, one that he clung onto when it fell into his lap in the form of a white-haired boy on a skateboard cool beyond measure. This is just how friends treat each other, they play and grow and train and laugh and smile at each other _just like that._ But after all the reconnaissance missions he’s been on, assassinations and kidnappings and the use of loved ones as hostages, bargaining chips, Gon is convinced that smile is more akin to a smile coming from a lover, a smile that says _I’d do anything for you._ He would have done anything for Killua, and he knows Killua would have done the same – but now he knows they are the exception, that for most normal people, ‘anything’ has limits, limits Gon blow past day after day.

That must explain the dizzying sense of want that the mere thought of Killua brings to him now, want for Killua to look at him that way again now that Gon knows he’s alive and well. He wonders how long that want has been simmering deep within him, a want that has matured and shaped the trajectory of his entire life.

Gon tugs on his dick, faster now, his breathing heavy with the purity of Killua’s smile, his eyes shy and lips wet and lightly parted _._ Gon comes with his eyes closed, aquamarine splashed across his vision, and falls asleep to the intoxicating idea of Killua wanting him this way too.

* * *

It gets a little out of hand.

The mission Gon signs up for this time is a simple assassination of a high-profile official, so he has to do a fair bit of reconnaissance. In the name of being thorough, he takes his time, surveying the official’s daily routines and patterns for weeks longer than he has to.

It is definitely not because he sneaks away for an hour every day to watch Killua instead.

Gon honestly started off thinking he’d just need a tidbit everyday, just a confirmation to himself that Killua’s still doing well and within reach. He had a plan, that after a few weeks of this, that he would be able to make his peace with how Killua’s life is now. Then, he’d find the courage to show Killua that he’s okay too.

Despite growing up as a bit of a loudmouth, Gon has done a good job over the years of keeping true to the _phantom_ part of the Phantom Troupe name. People know of his existence, but not more than that. Similarly, he had known Killua was out there all these years, but it was quite another to see him with his own eyes, knowing only a window stood between their reunion. Gon knows that Killua had sought him out before too, but of course, he had gotten nowhere, just like the rest.

And so, the plan of just watching for a minute a day morphed into a few minutes, then slowly into an hour. It doesn’t take long to confirm Killua’s still fine, but it takes infinitely longer to commit this new Killua to memory, store it all away for lonely nights.

Two weeks into it though, Gon begins to wonder: when did Killua’s life become so predictable, being in the same apartment day in and day out?

Didn’t he once say that he didn’t want his life planned out for him?

Once upon a time, Gon had dreamed of exploring the world to find Ging. That dream quickly expanded to include Killua in tow. It was an easier time, simplistic and probably childish, the idea that the two of them would just keep going afterwards, on a grand old adventure that would never end.

He learns the reason two days later, when he sees a girl walk into Killua’s apartment. She has long dark hair and shaggy bangs, her eyes the same shade of sky as Killua’s own.

Killua’s entire face lights up when she comes into the room, and a nasty, slimy sensation snakes up Gon’s spine when he sees them embrace each other, joint laughter evident when they part.

 _It must be his sister or something; their eyes are the exact same._ Gon reasons to himself.

_But Killua never said he had a sister, only brothers._

_Is it … a girlfriend? Killua had looked so happy, she must be why._

It bothers Gon far worse than it should, the thought of Killua being okay, being happy, moving on for anyone, especially a significant other. It shouldn’t though, because they were twelve and they’ve known each other less than a year by then but there was something there, it couldn’t have been just him. Killua was his best, most precious friend, and Killua had looked at Gon that way too, when they left the Zoldyck house together, when he stood up and said he’d distract Nobunaga so Gon could get away.

No, he meant something to Killua. Killua cared for him to the point of self-sacrifice and that’s love, the kind of love Gon has come to terms with quite intimately these few days.

No, Killua isn’t allowed to be happy without him.

Gon learns the pain of jealousy and decides to suffocate in silence, at least outside Killua’s apartment window.

But that tension coils and builds up within him, and even jerking off twice doesn’t ease things.

Instead, Gon lets out steam another way. He completes the job the very next day, kills with far more force than necessary, just to feel something else.

* * *

Gon traces Killua’s steps from then on, taking a new mission every time Killua moves cities. He confirms the girl is Alluka, Killua’s sister, despite him never mentioning her existence to Gon. It doesn’t ease the pain nor the jealousy, because here she was, another part of Killua’s life that he isn’t a part of.

No, he isn’t a part of Killua’s life now, period.

But he desperately wants to be, wants to just close the distance between them and introduce himself again, fill in the gap, the hollow, burning longing that’s only grown stronger with time.

Just from watching Killua from afar, Gon slowly paints the other boy – now man’s life. He sees Killua complete hunter missions easily with skill and grace, fingers crackling with lightning. He finds time to take Alluka to morning markets, tries to cook for them once a week before giving in and handing the spatula to Alluka instead, trains by himself daily at night after Alluka goes to bed.

One night, Gon catches Killua talking to himself after he collapses by the riverbend after wearing out his Ren, and Gon hears his own name.

The tenor of Killua’s voice is all wrong, half-cracked and sorrowful and _oh_ that’s what Gon’s wanted from him all along, the quiver of his lip, a tear rolling down his cheek, the knowledge that Killua still thinks of him, still _feels_.

God, he’s awful. He really is.

Later that night, Gon supplies himself with a new set of fantasies. He imagines Killua’s wide blown eyes when they meet again, how desperately they’d kiss, biting and love marks on every part of exposed skin. Gon wants to hear Killua promise that he’s never gone a day without thinking about Gon, gasping and wrecked. The image of it shouldn’t be so easy to conjure, Killua’s lips swollen and gorgeous wrapped around his dick, choking on it slightly when Gon’s hips push forward, looking up at him with watery eyes and sucking him down all the same.

It’s filthy and addicting and Gon has never wanted anything more.

* * *

And now, two years later, at twenty-one, Gon finally gets his chance.

He finds Killua by a lamppost next to the docks, a block from the apartment he’s staying at in this town. It’s a mere two days after he sends Alluka off to travel on her own.

Killua looks lonely, a little lost, kicking a stone into his hand and then tossing it up and down, zapping it with his nen.

Well, it’s taken years for him to get to this point, to get Killua alone.

Now’s as good a time as any.

“Killua.” Gon says, coming up behind him, his footsteps silent, practiced.

The speed at which Killua spins himself away is frightening. Gon knows all about Killua and his godspeed, but it is still amazing to see it up close. In the blink of an eye, Killua’s already put so much distance between them, his arms raised on guard in front of his face, his eyes piercing electric blue under the moonlight.

Then, something flickers in those eyes, a notion of recognition, his irises widening the exact way Gon’s long committed to memory.

Killua slowly lowers his arms, straightening his back so he’s no longer semi-crouched. He’s standing upright now, moves one step closer to the lamplight, hesitant but hopeful.

“…Gon?” Killua whispers.

It’s so soft, so quiet, but Gon picks it up anyway.

“…hey Killua.”

After years of dreaming of this exact moment, it’s stupidly ironic that Gon had nothing better to say.

Perhaps he doesn’t need words. He wants so much more than words. He wants to be closer to Killua, to touch him for real and not only in fragmented memories.

To that end, Gon takes a few steps closer towards the other man, watches with bated breath as Killua slowly does the same. Killua’s steps for once are not silent, his body taut in disbelief.

“Gon…what are you doing here?” He asks once they come face to face, only a few inches separating them.

Gon feels a wave of pride swell up in him when he notices that he’s taller than Killua. He’s suspected it would be the case for a while, but it’s a nice feeling to be proven right.

“I didn’t want to catch you at a bad time.” Gon says slowly.

Killua, ever so perceptive, gets the undertone of his words right away.

“You… you were watching? You waited until – ” Killua hisses darkly before collecting himself with a sharp exhale. “You waited until I sent Alluka off.”

Gon smiles at him and nods. By the expression on Killua’s face, he knows it is not the same smile Killua remembers. To Gon though, nothing has changed, just a curl of lips, parting to show teeth, the feel of his cheekbones lifting.

“It, god, how long?” Killua breathes out, and there must be so many cogs turning in his brain that Gon figures he may not even have to really explain it all. Killua’s always been so smart; he’d piece it together.

“Couple of years, since I was allowed to work solo.” Gon answers.

“Why, where - I couldn't find you - I've looked, I've tried for so many years, I – ” Killua stutters. His eyebrows are furrowed, his face at a loss for words.

Gon’s imagined this face before too, but not quite under this set of circumstances.

"I know. I didn't want to be found."

“So, instead you… what, stalked me? Do you have _any idea_ how much I’ve worried about you, how much of a ghost you are to track down? Crazy, I thought, given how loud and idiotic you were at 12. Who knew you’d turn out to be an elite hitman who never leaves any traces of himself? But here you are huh, and for what? _Why are you here_ _Gon?”_ Killua snarls.

Killua must be putting on a tough face, going through the motions. He is understandably angry that Gon hadn’t been here with him all this time. Gon’s upset over that too, because he could have been, he knew exactly where Killua was, had known for five years. But he knew he didn’t want any of this to be interrupted by Alluka.

Besides, they had time.

They will have time.

“I’m here for you Killua.” Gon says, his face softening. He reaches out with one hand to cradle Killua’s cheek, the first time he’s touched Killua in a very, very long time. Killua shudders against his touch and for a second, Gon almost thinks he’s going to run.

But then he relaxes against it too, his eyes shaking inexplicably.

“You’re here to catch up? Reminisce about old times?” Killua spits out bitterly, but he does not move.

Gon drags his fingers down to the curve of Killua’s jaw, tilts his chin up ever so slightly so their eyes meet.

It is everything that Gon has imagined all these years, the start of it at least.

“Among other things.” Gon replies sultrily and kisses him.

Killua stands there in shock, his lips frozen and closed even at Gon’s insistence. Instead, it takes him a couple of seconds to push Gon away, stumbling back.

“Gon, what the _hell?”_

Gon blinks at him. Isn’t it self-explanatory?

“I wanted to kiss you Killua.” He says.

Killua’s cheeks redden, and Gon is pleased that's the same, just like when they were kids.

“I _got_ that idiot, but why, you can’t just _do that,_ without saying anything Gon.” Killua’s stuttering, scrambling for words and it’s fucking exhilarating to watch his normally collected self dissolve into a mess before Gon’s eyes.

“Saying what, exactly? What else do you need to know? That I want you? How badly I’ve wanted you?” Gon lists out.

Killua looks stunned speechless at the confession.

And then his lips are on Gon’s own, and this time they’re anything but frozen in place.

* * *

They get to Killua’s apartment in record time. Godspeed is a marvel, chilling Gon from head to toe, and it definitely turns him on even faster.

But Gon didn't really need it; he’s been hard ever since Killua turned around by the water.

The next couple of kisses are rough, needy. The soft, slow, pleading parts of his fantasies all get tossed out the window the moment he gets to touch Killua. So instead of gently carding his fingers through tufts of snowy hair, Gon yanks at it, drawing whimpers out of that delectable mouth, exposing the entirety of Killua’s throat.

Gon kisses his way down, biting, marking every part of Killua he could, his collarbone, the juncture between his neck and shoulder. He drags his teeth along Killua’s Adam’s apple until Killua’s gasping incoherently against the wall, rutting hard into Gon’s thigh.

“You like that Killua?” Gon says against the shell of his ear, letting his breath travel down the sensitive nerves there deliberately.

“Shut up _._ I still haven’t forgiven you.” Killua shuts his eyes and wraps his legs around Gon’s backside, an addicting contradiction.

“You don’t need to.” Gon replies back, lifting him up a bit higher, grabbing at his ass cheek.

It’s fine, as long as he gets this, gets all of Killua.

Killua’s eyes are full blown before him, the scent of his arousal so high that Gon thinks he can lose himself in the thickness of it. Despite him trying to put on an angry face, it’s clear he’s fighting a losing battle when Gon rubs over his erection.

“ _Gon._ ” He breathes out, full of want, the want that Gon now knows for a fact was never one-sided.

“Killua.” Gon murmurs back, because for him, it’s always been about Killua. And as good as the idea of fucking Killua up against the wall is, he wants this to last.

Therefore, Gon wraps his arms around Killua’s backside and picks him up. Killua’s letting out indignant squeaks of protest at being carried this way, but fuck, it just turns Gon on more. He throws Killua right onto the bed, leaps on top, frames Killua’s body with his own with a smirk.

“What the fuck Gon?” Killua stares up at him, face flushed crimson at the manhandling.

“You know,” Gon starts, chucking off his shirt as he speaks, “I’ve dreamed of Killua like this for a very long time.”

Killua swallows, staying perfectly still. His eyes follow Gon as he undresses, arousal evident in his heavy gaze.

“I’m – probably not as long as I have. But, Gon, you can’t just show up like this and expect everything to be okay. You, the Troupe, you were _gone for years and - mmhph.”_

Gon shuts him up with his mouth, hands ripping Killua’s shirt apart beneath him.

“Gon, I just _said._ ” Killua protests angrily. “And I liked that shirt.”

“I’ll buy you a new one. Don’t tell me you don’t want this.”

His hands fly to Killua’s zipper, dragging it down over the noticeable bulge there with a squeeze. Killua gasps in return.

“So, tell me, you wanted this even back then, Killua?” Gon strips all the way down and he’s not sure if it’s the act of being fully exposed or his words that turn the red on Killua’s cheeks two shades darker.

“N-not like this! Just, I, Gon, you were everything to me. Are, still. I,” Killua pauses, suddenly realizing what would turn out to be an ill-timed confession, his shirt ripped and fly undone. His expression looks horribly conflicted, as if he wants to talk to Gon and fuck him at the same time knowing he can’t have both.

“You are everything to me too Killua.” Gon grins, darkly. “I’m very glad Alluka turned out to be your sister and not your girlfriend.”

Killua gapes.

“God, _Gon_ that’s – you were jealous of her?”

“…you said her name a lot, the way you used to say mine.” Gon growls, hovering down over Killua’s face. Killua blinks helplessly back before his expression twists too in exasperation.

“What did you want from me? To masturbate and moan your name out loud for your voyeuristic tendencies that I didn’t even know you had?” Killua questions, deadpanning.

Gon shrugs. “Would have been nice. I did it all the time.”

Oh. Seeing Killua speechless is way better than his fantasies. Gon wonders how far he could push this, how many different versions of Killua he’d be allowed to witness tonight.

“Gon…”

“Yeah, just like that. I’m going to want to hear you say my name just like that all night long.” Gon teases, but damn, he means it as a promise.

Killua shudders, his eyes falling half-lidded, mouth half-open and fuck, that really is the expression of Gon’s wet dreams.

“N-no, we shouldn’t, it’s too soon.” Killua says breathily.

“Not soon enough actually.” Gon replies, because fuck, he’s tired of waiting. Why hold himself back if they both already admitted they want this?

Gon for one is not going to wait. With resolve, he starts to lick his way down Killua’s body, each hard line of his abs, each open crevice. He sucks hard along his hipbone until he gets to Killua’s pants, which obviously has to go. Killua’s squirming beneath him, his hand making a weak but valiant attempt at pushing Gon’s face away from his crotch. He obviously doesn’t mean it, not when his hips are shaking and practically begging for Gon to strip him down.

At last, he comes face to face with Killua’s leaking cock, bobbing up against his stomach.

“Don’t hold back now.” Gon commands, before sinking his mouth all the way down to the base of Killua’s dick, as if he’s done it a million times.

"W-wait - !" Killua protests helplessly, to no avail.

In actuality, he’s only really done it a handful of times and definitely not with Killua, but he wants to make an impression. By the whimpers and mewls coming from above, Killua’s hips bucking and twitching so bad that Gon has to hold him down, Gon thinks he’s doing quite well.

Time to keep going. Gon takes his time lowering his mouth up and down Killua’s cock, his tongue sliding along the underside, paying special attention to the head each time he gets to the top. Killua tries his hardest to be quiet, but it really does sound like he can’t help but moan again and again, a litany of swear words and yes, Gon’s name. It only spurs Gon on more, makes him want to suck out more of those lovely sounds, speeding up his motions.

Killua responds by thrusting up into Gon’s mouth, his hands clutching onto the bedsheets, his knuckles turning white. Gon holds him back a little by pressing down on Killua’s left hipbone, then he grips the base of Killua’s cock, tight, before starting his bobbing movements, up and down in tandem.

It pushes Killua right over the edge a few strokes later, coming down Gon’s throat with only a few breathless gasps as warning. Gon swallows most of it just out of sheer surprise, the remainder dripping out of his mouth and down his chin when he looks back up to meet Killua’s gaze.

Fuck, Killua looks like a mess, his hair disheveled and mouth in an open O, pupils wide looking right back at him.

He looks like a very fuckable mess and Gon is reminded of how hard he is too.

“ _Gon…_ that was…” Killua breathes out weakly, still panting.

“First blowjob?” Gon can’t help it. Either that, or he was just very sensitive. Either way, Gon’s crazy into it.

“Shut up. It’s not like I could go anywhere with Alluka around, and I didn’t want to anyway, not – without you.”

“You waited for me?” Gon asks, incredulous. Killua did come across as a romantic, but god, the thought of being Killua's first drives him absolutely mad out of his mind.

“I just said, there was no tim – mmph!”

Their lips meet again in a bruising kiss, the taste of Killua’s come still on Gon’s lips but he doesn’t care. He wants Killua to get it, how much these revelations mean to him, how despite how twisted and wrong his life has been since they separated, they still have this. The rest don’t matter, not now.

They can correct it; they can make it right.

“Gon, what?”

“I want you. I’ve wanted you for years. I’ve gotten off to the thought of you sucking me off and you confessing you wanted me too but right now, I just, I want to, I _need to fuck you Killua._ ”

Gon licks his lips just as Killua bites his, trembling.

God his words are strung so filthy that he can’t even think straight, can’t even admit that’s what he just said out loud. But it can’t be filthier than actually getting to do it with Killua, Killua who’s naked, sweaty, pinned beneath him and still dazed from his orgasm.

“Nothing to say?” Gon murmurs.

Killua only shudders in response, but then he spins onto his side to open the bedside drawer, pulls out a small bottle of lube and a condom to boot. Killua must have been playing with himself in other ways, but for now, Gon shoves that thought aside. Given the view, Gon can’t help but slap Killua’s ass playfully, earning a yelp from the other man.

It’s fucking adorable and Gon realizes in that moment that love comes in so many different shapes and forms. But the end all for Gon will always just be Killua, the first person he’s ever related to, the first person who’s ever stood up for him without having to, the coolest and the kindest person he knows, the one he’d entrust his life, his everything with.

The fact that Gon had disappeared out of his life for years, despite his attempts to slow things down, Killua’s still letting him do this, still wants him desperately like this, still never lost hope –

Gon slicks up his fingers and runs one over Killua’s entrance, then slowly presses in.

It makes Gon wonder how much Killua didn’t say to him when they were only kids, how Gon had bared out his heart without knowing what one day those feelings would transform into, love, desire, obsession, everything in between.

Gon wants Killua to lay himself bare for him, only for him.

Killua lets out a nonsensical groan at two fingers in, at the rough scissoring motion, a curl of his fingers.

“That feel good?” Gon asks, deliberately brushing past that spot again.

“God yes, ahh, _more._ ” Killua gasps, his dick pulsing weakly against his stomach again.

Gon smirks and obeys, adds a third lubed up finger for good measure and relishes at the sight of Killua arching off the bed, moaning with abandon, loudly at that.

He’s never been one to be loud or affectionate that way, but god, Killua sure is loud in bed.

Gon is the one who is making him lose himself like that.

Fuck, he already knows he’s going to get addicted to this when he rolls on the condom and lines himself up, meets Killua’s unwavering look, those gorgeous blue eyes that Gon could drown in.

Then he pushes in, drowns himself in the tight heat of Killua squeezing all around him instead, leans into Killua’s arms snaking around his back, the shakiness of his thighs. When Gon’s all the way in, he summons every ounce of self-control he’s ever had to not have move right away.

He doesn’t want to hurt Killua because he needs there to be a next time. 

In, out, shallow and slow at first, and then he finds a good rhythm. Gon paces himself by the expressions on Killua’s face, the tension in his shoulders and the little whimpers and groans from his mouth. In, out, shifting angles and speeds little by little until he finds it, finds that spot that makes Killua tremble uncontrollably, his voice needy.

“Gon!” Killua rasps desperately, nails digging into his back.

Ah, there it is. Gon’s not going to even pretend he’s not pleased with the discovery and locks himself in, thrusting hard the exact same way, over and over again to Killua’s pleas.

“I’d ask if you’re – hah – enjoying this, but you’re hard again hm?”

“Gon, please!” Killua’s shamelessly begging now, hair splayed across the pillow, his hips shakily rising up to meet Gon’s increasingly faster thrusts.

“Touch yourself Killua, I’m – come again for me.”

Killua wordlessly wraps his right hand around his dick and strokes it shakily, a languid and uneven rhythm. God, Gon wants to see Killua come on his dick so badly. The tightness, the pleasure and fuck, the _sight of Killua,_ it is so much better than his dreams. It doesn’t take long after that for him to come in Killua’s ass, exactly like that.

Breathlessly, Gon pulls himself out to get rid of the condom, and when he turns back, Killua is still sprawled on the bed in the same position, legs limp and come dribbling all over his stomach.

“You’re fucking gorgeous Killua.” Gon doesn’t think before speaking this time, because he is, Killua really is.

“Still can’t, believe … you’re here.” Killua slurs out in response, his mouth hanging slightly open, looking a wreck and entirely fucked out.

Well, now would certainly be a bad time to tell Killua that he had a job to get back to next week, probably one of those things Killua would have wanted to talk about first. But Gon wouldn’t have given this up for anything, so for now, he nods and joins him.

Because there are a great many things Gon’s tossed out and forgotten over the years, but one thing he’s made sure to never forget is Killua.

And after tonight, Gon’s sure he’ll never be able to forget these snapshots of Killua ever again, pliant and needy and oh so beautiful.

Never.

**Author's Note:**

> You can catch me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/silverinerivers) & read my other HxH fics [here!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverinerivers/works?fandom_id=22959)


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